THAT DREAM
Not that disturbing, but slightly. Who on earth am I kidding? You dream lucid, rapid dreams that stream images so real, so real that you almost believe they are true. Pushed them away, but they're recurring. Even the senses, olfactory, touch, taste, hearing, sight... everything is real, real, real. I woke up almost believing they were true, almost reaching for the phone, almost dialling the numbers. I remember them clearly, even though I've deleted them from my phone's memories, tip-exed them off my written phone books... shoved all the photos down into a big box that used to store the gifts that I received. I remember all that clearly.
In the dream, we were together. Not that the break up didn't occur. But in the dream, he had called me up, and he wanted a meet up. I decided to say yes. We went out, to a normal restaurant. He said he missed me. I did not really miss him, because things have changed. But I was tempted. It must have been the hormone pheromone at work. We did things. I usually don't succumb that easily. Do they have that in dreams? It was so, so real. I woke up, and I smiled to myself.
Oh dear. What was happening?
Read this. I supposed it rings true right now, after I've read it a second time. Maybe I'm lonely. Not really lonely. I just craved that feeling. Want to be cared for. Want to be missed. Want to be told I matter most. Want to trust. Want to believe. Want to hope. Want to be held, hugged and loved. Again.
And if anything goes awry, this time, I'll be the one to leave.
Am I wiser?
I met a monkey the other day. A talking monkey. It told me a horse had thrown it off its back. The monkey was not crying, but I thought it looked quite upset.
'So are you injured?'
The monkey said, 'You know what? I have no idea. I really have no idea at all.'
'So are you going to walk away?'
The monkey said, 'I know I should, I know I should. But I'm too tempted. In too deep. It's not really my fault. I like the horse too much. Maybe I'll just walk beside the horse. I think if it knows that I get tired, it just might pick me up and offer me to ride on its saddle again.'
'So don't you think that's wishful thinking?'
The monkey smiled, 'That's the thing. I'm not thinking. I'm just going to let things roll.'
'So what if you tire out?'
The monkey smiled, 'I don't know. I told you I have no idea.'
Can I be that carefree? Really?
I think I'm troubled by that dream, even though I said I'm not.
