My blog is my best friend. It provides me release, and strength from the pains. It gives me confessional courage, the spirit and motivation to move on despite the sharp knives that are driving through my heart and breaking up the very essence of my soul. It keeps me intact.

It reminds me, each day, that there are angels in this world, with name and without names, with faces and without faces, friends and strangers who've written in and signed my guestbook and comments and tagboard, telling me to be strong and be brave.

My blog is all that and more.

It is my very heart, the voice of my mind. It is my connection to the world, and it gives me hope and faith, despite the adversities and awful, awful happenings in the world, things can be okay, will be okay.

I don't know who Anonymous who signed my comments in reply to my Come Sweet Death post is. I wonder who you are, but I'd just like to thank you very much. Seeing your comments made me cry and I feel cherished and loved, as if there really is a guardian angel talking to me. Thank you. So much. I don't know how to express myself. Really. Thank you.

And the rest of my loyal visitors who've personally written and spoke to me about the whole situation *you know who you are*. What would I do without you?

What would I do without this place that has given me so much and yet asked nothing of me, except for me to go on pouring my feelings into?   ¶ 16:59

  Come Sweet Death

I know, I know I've let you down
I've been a fool to myself
I thought I could
live for no one else
But not through all the hurt and pain
Its time for me to respect
the ones you love
mean more than anything
So with sadness in my heart
I feel the best thing I could do
is end it all
and leave forever
whats done is done, it feels so bad
what once was happy now is sad
I'll never love again
my world is ending

I wish that I could turn back time
cos now the guilt is all mine
cant live without the trust from the ones you love.
I know we can't forget the past
you cant forget love and pride
because of that its killing me inside

It all returns to nothing, it all comes
tumbling down, tumbling down,
tumbling down,
it all returns to nothing, I just keep
letting me down, letting me down,
letting me down,
in my heart of hearts,
I know that I called never love again
I've lost everything
everything
that matters to me,
matter in this world

I wish that I could turn back time
cos now all the guilt is mine
cant live without
the trust from those you love
I know we can't forget the past
you can't forget love and pride
because of that, its killing me inside

It all returns to nothing, it all comes
tumbling down, tumbling down,
tumbling down
it all returns to nothing, I just keep
letting me down, letting me down,
letting me down
It all returns to nothing, it all comes
tumbling down, tumbling down,
tumbling down
it all returns to nothing, I just keep
letting me down, letting me down,
letting me down

-Neon Genesis Evangelion-

Read this, and understand.  ¶ 23:51

  My Memory

My memory is a dream blown off by a puff of air that breezed in with the wind. Time, like a wind, gushes past me, leaving soft, tired sighs on my face and lips. I blink, and I rub my eyes. And the wind, its gone. They smart, my eyes, they smart, because there's dust in them. So I go teary eyed, and the huge drops of water just roll down the valleys of my cheeks.

My memory makes me look to the big blue sky. I see images. Of us, running through the white sandy beaches. Long long ago when Redang was the island of dreams. We would sit down in the darkness of the night, lit only by the violet glimmer of the stars, and we would look into each others' eyes, seeking truth, and truth decided all then.

My memory is when I don't know what love is, but I just close my eyes and pretend I know it. WhenI would cross my arms across my chest and sulk in faked anger, and accuse him of not loving... when me myself, I didn't even know the meaning of the word 'love'. The truth of love, has now begun and ended in the betrayal of my memory.

My memory is beautiful. And sad. It makes me cry. My memory. Because it is only that, a memory.

Come back, my memory. I love you.
  ¶ 12:31

  Dear Blog:

I've done the thing. So now its up to the wind. Blow wind blow. Blow it back to me. I want to be in control again. You know? Take charge of life like I used to be, regain that precious innocence in my eyes that used to shine so well. AIh... lost that glow a while back, hate to endure the loss, despite some people saying its a good thing to not look so innocent always....

What to say, what to write?

Some times you get speechless. Really.

Until I have other ideas. Maybe a pic for your viewing pleasure. Took this on the night of the AIESEC ball. Doesn't look like me, but I like it.


  ¶ 02:02

 

I've migrated to Trillian. Darn ICQ. Stupid client doesn't know how to send my files to friends. Everytime I click on the 'Send File' button it says 'Error! Cannot activate Send File plug-in.' The same message pops up for my send url and send chat requests. Stupid stupid ICQ. That's why I've given up on it and now... I'm looking at Trillian. Clean, cool interfaces and its really neat. Plus it saves the trouble of having three chat clients at the same time (have msn, yahoo and icq together).

So anyway...

Well, this is it... for those of you who know what I did. Am keeping my fingers crossed, and here's another one of my 'cast my fate to the wind' prayers. You know what? I hope things will be okay. Regardless which way they go, I hope things will be all right, and i will be alright. I mean, I'm pretty lucky these days, even though my Proton has yet to arrived due to glitches in the HP agreement... but I'm okay... got streamyx, now got trillian, plus loads and loads of new songs and ... well, bought a new blouse today.... so... I hope things will really be alright.   ¶ 13:22

  Smiling at the world?



Maybe. A little feeling of melancholy here. Considering the fact that I actually am proud about how this photo turned out. Thought I looked kinda pretty in here, except that... looks don't really matter eh?

It made me kinda sad to see this photo, because I do remember the feelings I had when this was taken, the smile that looks kinda real, but in reality, it was contrived and forced by the gentle coaxing of the camerawoman (my mother lah, who else?).

Ah, I hope Caleb takes the job and that his life will go up from now. Makes me feel happy and even more wildly optimistic about the way of life and things.   ¶ 09:20

  I.............
I.............
All my bags are packed
I'm ready to go
I'm standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin'
This early morn
The taxi's waitin'
He's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could cry

Chorus
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe I hate to go

I................
There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now
They don't mean a thing
Every place I go
I think of you
Every song I sing
I sing for you
When I come back
I'll wear your wedding ring

Chorus

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time
Let me kiss you
Close your eyes
I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the time when I don't have to say.............

Chorus

Leaving on a jet plane(repeat)
  ¶ 19:30

  I'm trying to think of something to write.

Oh yeah. I've got streamyx at last. So there, congratulate me. Welcome to the world of broadband, eh?

Now what's next.

Oh yeah. Regarding the previous post.

Obviously I was particularly worried about a particular someone popping in.

Well, you. You know who. If you pop in, and you're reading this. Welcome. Its good that you care enough to want to know how I am. So here, you can find out about me. Come here everyday if you like, once a week. I'm sorry I'm broadcasting my personal life to the world. I needed an output. And this had to be it.

Hey, smile a little. I'm still that hyper active kid you knew back a little while ago. If you still want to, put away your defences and take a look at me.

I'm really quite nice.   ¶ 14:37

  eeeeeee I'm freakin out, freakin out. Tell me folks, do you think that I'm overly honest in my confessions in my blog sometimes? What do you think? Especially in the process of my coming to terms with horrifying reality, I've been rambling and ranting and what not, eh? Now tell me, is this a good thing, or a bad thing?

Or maybe I should be a little more modest just in case someone pops in and see this, and then... well, I don't think that's a very, very good thing eh?

  ¶ 17:20

  I've become rather brave today. I've written my biography! So if you want to know get to know me and ask me nutty questions, here's where you should go.
  ¶ 15:27

  Thanks to an earthly angel for this:

I _____ Chooki.
Chooki is _____.
If I were alone in a room with Chooki _____.
I think Chooki should _____.
Chooki needs _____.
I want to ____ Chooki.
Someday Chooki will _____.
Chooki reminds me of _____.
Without Chooki _____.
Memories of Chooki are _____.
Chooki can be _____.
_____ is how I describe meeting Chooki.
Worst thing about Chooki is _____.
Best thing about Chooki is _____.
I am ________ with Chooki.

To my readers, this is what I hope you'll do: open my comments link, copy, paste and fill in the blanks. Humour me. Bash me up. Tell me you love me. Whatever. Make me smile!!   ¶ 11:46

  Amazing how other people can put into words the exact things I want to say to him.   ¶ 21:42

  Yoohoo... I've added another *free* feature to my site... Babelfish! So it goes this way, you get to read my entries in several other languages besides English. Reading the Chinese version is really, really nerve-wrecking, but I suppose a lot of the translations really work alright. Take your time clicking on the flags which represent the respective countries.

I'm such a genius!   ¶ 20:38

  It doesn't take much for us to consider the other side of things.

  ¶ 19:19

  The Story of Us: Epilogue

Now I remember the time I fell in love with him. I never pin-pointed the exact moment, but if I were asked to choose an exact moment, I remember exactly when, and exactly how. I used to think it was the long ago moment in the restaurant when he first placed the drumstick on my bowl of rice. Othertimes I thought it was during those birthday celebrations that Paul always had so elaborately planned for me. And then, I thought it was the moment when I took out the Silent Ocean and when I started fixing the puzzle. Sometimes I think it was when I framed up the puzzle and took digital photos of it so that I can see the dolphin on my desktop anytime I wanted to.

But if you asked me when I fell in love with you, when was the exact moment, I know exactly when.

That moment when I started the car and the engine died on me. I knew then that there was no turning back. Before that I thought it was possessiveness, driven, fueled by a jealousy so intense that it hurt me to know that Paul had other people besides me. That jealousy still burns on, especially now that Paul has left me, and sometimes, I think and know it is because he found it more enjoyable to be with other people rather than me.

But in that moment when the key turned in its place and the car failed to ignite, I knew it. I knew it and I panicked and I walked out of the car. Sometimes I regret not looking at you or talking proper to you at all in the car, or when I opened the booth and handed you the Silent Ocean.

But mostly I regret walking away, and shedding those tears as I paced quickly back home, rushing to return to the comfort of my mother’s open arms.

I thought I was brave because I walked away, I was ready to let go. If the car had started, I would have let go, who knows?

Somehow God loves to play tricks on His most beloved devotees. When He stopped my car’s engine, He made me realise I loved Paul, so deep that the Silent Ocean knows not its boundaries of its depths.

But Paul was gone from my side, forever and ever. Regardless of how I tried, how I pulled, how I pushed, Paul had become a cold, stubborn, lifeless mannequin, reluctant to hold a proper conversation with me even. Reluctant to help, reluctant to become a friend.

And Claire?

Claire promises to walk her way down the winding path, her heart and soul fed by her love. A love so deep, so intense, that even though it is left unnourished by the present and the future, the memories of the past will serve to provide the nutrition. To the end, alone, flourished by a hope of a love that may never be, never return to her.

That love will feed me for the rest of my life.
  ¶ 09:54

  I Want to...

I would do anything now to have those good times, great tastes they serve over in Hong Kong. I really miss my father now that the last time I've seen him was months ago. Sometimes, I think that if my mom and my dad can be apart for over two years and still have each other, I remind myself that what I'm having now is really nothing, nothing at all. And therefore I should live life happily and be optimistic. What else drives you except yourself? You are moved by your motivations, your motivations, in turn, moved by your beliefs, and your beliefs, they will be realised if you have enough perseverence to see that they are realised. Life is a whole big major exam, set by that examiner called God, and if you are strong enough to handle the barriers and challenges, God will say that you PASS or you FAIL... now which do you want it to be?

I want to pass , with flying colours, return with my 1st class honours and move on to my masters, PhD yada yada yada, and I do know everything gets harder and harder.... but that's not going to stop me, is it?
  ¶ 15:52

  I wonder what will you guys think if I continue today by writing another load of miserable, miserable ramblings? I read through my past three entries and admittedly, I am a little shocked at the honesty that I've injected into them. Even in yesterday's entry, even though it was an effort in translating Van Fan Ri Chen's 'I Believe', the words came out quite personal, didn't they? I do realise there's a lot of repetition in the phrases, like where I go 'you sob and sob and sob' or where I go 'I believe' in every other sentence etc, etc.

Fortunately, I'm not depressed today. I guess the depression kicks in at the end of the weekends. And today was rather busy and hectic with the Phonetics and Phonology paper. Now I'm not going to go into the mechanics of Linking 'r' and Intrusive 'r" because I made a huge mix up with the two today, and I hate the whole exam for that. There goes my A and ... urgh... I have to put all my hopes into Discourse and Critical!!! Jeesh.

The point is, I am writing a novel, a private novel, dedicated for that very special someone. Now I wonder if one day I'll have the guts to send it for publishing. Its already in its 10th Chapter, and I've finished the Epilogue (that's the first thing I wrote, the epilogue). It looks like there's going to be another 5-6 chapters more, and I've never written so quickly in my life before. I wanted to take it slowly, maybe a few words at a go, but I only started on Sunday and its already into Chapter 10. I know I wanted to do the thesis first, but since I have so much energy in my words right now and the inspiration keeps coming in, I thought I might as well go on and on and on. And I am, and I have.

I can promise this, though. When I feel its okay to go public I'll have little excerpts from the story for your reading pleasure.
  ¶ 17:20

  I believe, when it rains, even if you refuse to come out to see me, you still hurt, you still feel pain when you look outside your window, and see me waiting there. I believe that your silence is really your consent. Your silence is your sign of care, of love. Even if you do not say anything, even if you never did say anything, you really do understand. Even if it isn't my hand you're holding, I'm not really sad.

I'm silly, right? I don't even know what I'm happy for. Your smile, I could just take it as that support, that encouragement that you have always given to me, that has left me for a while now. I don't even know what I'm fantasizing, but I know this, and I tell this to myself. I BELIEVE. You will see me, you will realise one day, and you will want the person beside you to be me.

And I believe, when there isn't an answer on your phone, its only because you're busy, or you're on the other line. When you turn off your phone to my calls, its only because you have so many, many things to attend to, and you really do not have the time at all. I believe, that the silent responses to my messages, to my voice messages, are simply your efforts in listening to me. I just tell myself, that after everything, after all this is over, the person who will be with you, that very lucky person, will be me. .

I believe, that the harsh and quick decision that you've made, will probably last a long time. And yet, even if it lasts for a long time, you will feel that the single loneliness that you initially so welcome, will not be lighted, nor will it be warmed by that touch of care or love. Soon, I believe, you will doubt, and you will realise that it is only a figment of your imagination, a page in your life, our life, of your own doing; those accusations that you hurl at me, all those are just makings of your minds ... you do not really know the me deep, deep inside.

I believe this... that someday, there will be the day when you finally realise that you want me to be with you.




  ¶ 09:44

  Forever may not be an eternity, not for those who put a little trust in fate and destiny. Do you believe in meant-to-be?

I cried a little last night, I cried a lot an hour ago. The tears just flowed and flowed. That explosion of emotions just burst open like an open dam, when the tension breaks and it cannot handle the pressure of the water anymore. That snapping of the taunt rope on that high wire, or that sudden give-way of that bungee-rope as exhiliration reaches the breaking point. So you wail, and wail, and wail, and sometimes, when you shed too many tears, you lose a few pounds in the process.

Ever been there?

A little while ago I saw an old photo of my high-school heydays, and suddenly I realise how long it has been since I have felt the essence of true happiness. A little while ago today in the afternoon, I met my old high school friends and I realise how long it has been since I have last felt that carefree feeling of pure, pure joy. Now its all a bit of bitter-sweet depression. You smile a little at the little jokes and humour-attempts, but that shadow of a smile quickly disappears from your face, only because your soul is already possessed by that sad sensation that never seems to leave you.

You sit in that little black cloud, of cold, cold unhappiness, and you hope it rains, but lightning never flashes, thunder never strikes.

And so all those tonnes of emotional baggage pile up, making things heavier and heavier and heavier, and finally, thunder doesn't need to strike for the storm to tear you to shreds. So you sob and sob and sob and sob and ... oh... you hope the weight of the sobs will stop so that you can rest, but it does't listen to you. You just go on sobbing until it wears you out, and finally you are so tired, the lights turn off without you knowing.

And forever takes over the stage. But it does not have to be an eternity.   ¶ 22:48

  Try looking at the big hot sky sometimes, pray to the Kingdom of Heaven and pray that it will bring rain. Pray to the God of Heaven ask for His blessings, that He will keep the peace, in your heart and in the world. Give thanks for the goodness in life that He has given, give gratitude for the little happiness and signs that He provides you. Listen to his disciple the great Goddess of Mercy, and know that She will take good care of you. Close your eyes and feel the warmth of Her love wrap around you, even in times of despair and pain, have faith that you will be alright in the end. Good people have good ends, the bad will merely be punished by worthy lessons. Don't hope for the worst for them, have faith in God that they will repent and they will come to their senses.

Have faith in love, of all things. That fluttering sensation of a feeling that may wrap around your heart and brain for ages, and ages, and ages, will sometimes falter and drop... but love is like an apple, it spawns seeds that will grow, and from them, more apples will grow, more seeds will be sown. And so, love is really an everlasting notion, it just goes on and on and on... Have faith in the strength of love, and don't be afraid if it is lost. All is lost will be returned to their rightful owners. Somehow, someway. You lose something, and you gain something in return.

Have faith in faith alone. If you believe, why must you doubt? Trust in your own beliefs, however foolish others tell you it is. It is not. Why do you believe in the first place? Your beliefs are shaped by your principles, your principles, in turn, shaped by the experiences that have made you, you. You are you because of the past, and the past is unchangeable. The future is pre-destined... regardless of how we what things not to be, things just be! Isn't it strange how God has it all planned out? Where's that huge big book of destiny? Human beings are too insignificant to have their hand in writing them. We walk round and round and in the end we still end up where God wanted us to be.
  ¶ 17:53

  Othello Have you read Shakespeare's Othello?

For the benefit of those who know what's happening, and for those who don't ... this is it.

I am Desdemona. I'm not dead, but that's simply because the law books of this era do not allow murders as easily. My Othello has mistrusted me, thanks to a certain Iago and his Emilia, who really, means no harm at all, but because she is after all, Iago's wife, she has to help to his fantasies. There is no Cassio in my life, but Othello wills it, thinks it so, and is convinced of so. In my 'Othello', Othello is not the protagonist, Desdemona is... and Desdemona despairs because she has been wronged, sinned against, accused of the untruth, and yet Othello insists that he does not suspect her of her... instead my Othello tells me other things.

And so.... I shall leave thee, with four suckling pigs for thee to feast thy senses on ...


  ¶ 14:46

  This post is in Chinese... the Big 5 code... I've been looking for songs that'll suit my very situation, and the Asian category fits the best. I'm not that big a supporter of Western music except for Norah Jones. But here's Rene Liu's Shou Huo, losely translated as 'fruits of our labor'. I hope blogger publishes it all right.


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And pic of the day is.......



This is the famous Wong Tai Sin temple that always gets shown on TV everytime those Chinese New Year specials go around the world to show you what is happening. Here's the place where they rush to get the joss sticks in the holder!!! Prayers for guidance are often answered with the very right responses...

  ¶ 15:37

 

With the US led war around the corner, I thought I'd like you guys to know that, hey, I keep peace with the supposedly most dangerous man on earth... and he's pretty nice too !!!
  ¶ 20:13

  And you thought they were just part of those Hong Kong TVB serial gimmicks? No.. the wishing tree really exists, in this place called Tai Po.... and its mighty packed. Information: there's actually two trees, the bigger one, which is the one you see below, is the one for life and work; while the smaller one is for love and marriage. Throwing your oranges up the tree isn't as easy as it looks on TV. Firstly, its because the tree's branches are kinda high and thickened with other hanging stuff. Two, everyone else is doing the same thing so you'd have to look out for oranges falling smack and smashing all over your head. But otherwise its kinda fun; except for the fact that I climbed up the tree after three futile trials to get my orange on the highest branch... and everybody applauded me for that brave move.



It was only after I reached my hotel in North Point that I realise about the two trees and their differences. I got my orange up the wrong tree.... But well... maybe if you make a wish that's going to come true, does it matter whether its the right tree or not? or does it matter more whether there's a need for trees or not.   ¶ 16:01

  I've given up on Redken. The smell of its Avocado Oil Extracts has been driving my mom nuts ever since I started employing All Soft as my hair consultant, and right now, since the only person who really loves its smell doesn't seem to want to smell my hair anymore... I'm switching to Ava Puhi Moni Extracts. As they say, if you want to make a change, you ought to do it from tip to toe. Not that I have the dough to change my whole wardrobe, but if I did, I wouldn't mind anyway; making drastic changes around myself and for myself sorta makes life a lot better.

That said, its the finals, and one more month to go until I officially graduate from my BA English course. What's next after this? That's not necessarily on my mind right now, because my heart is lying somewhere far, far away (actually not that far, about 1 hour's drive from where I'm currently studying), while my brain seems to self-clog itself every other minute with thoughts of nonsensical blabs.

But that aside... I did promise you some pics from Hong Kong, and here I'm going to post one each on a daily basis, or maybe you guys will get luckier... but here's what I caught on the Airport bus the moment I got down from the plane, which was I recall, 2 days before Chinese New Year, and everybody was rushing home or somewhere. Now where else in the world would you get 'human traffic police'.... that's madness for you, folks.




  ¶ 15:45

  Look... I got a new hairdo. The reason I cut my hair is of course to let go of some heavy weight 'invisible' problems that my hair seems to help contribute to the tragic circumstances of my script. But tell me what you think, or whether you prefer me with the longer do?

  ¶ 18:03

  A thought to ponder on: " In the word of tragedy, the hero can only take the road of experiment. He must follow his bent, take action, and live it through." The thought is: if my life right now is akin to tragedy, as some people deem my situation rather tragic, so shall I, as the protagonist in my own life story, I shall take this road of experiment. I am following my bent, I shall take action, and so I shall live it through. And life was never the Aristotelian Poetics tragedy theory - there is no denouement unless I die. And I don't die, I shall not die, I shall not go that easily. Life was made to be filled with challenges, so WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS? Nothing...

The next thing we have to know is this: "Things happen for a reason." and in this world there are signs.   ¶ 20:32

  Amazingly, I actually scored full marks for my Critical Reading Paper, despite the condition I was in (I finished the paper in 20 minutes, and for the remaining 40 minutes I was crying and shedding tears all over my answer script). I still remember Dr. Shameem's bewildered face as I left the hall telling her: "Dr. Shameem, your class is too emotional for me. I can't take it anymore."

Yes... yes, I'm in that bad a condition. For the past 15 years of my schooling history, I've cried in school but never in the middle of the examination, and never because I was emotionally gratified by a poem. But since I did, I've decided to place Langston Hughes' Harlem for your reading pleasure.

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?

  ¶ 14:26