If this angmo can write better than me in my mother tongue.. I think I need to take a refresher course already. I remember teaching the language to standard 4 kids in my alma mater ( the old primary school where I used to punch the boys in the stomachs when I was a very notti girl girl)... ooooh hoh I remember being Mandarin teacher and trying to teach some new vocabulary, and then, darn! I forgot how to write a simple word. Of course I was mighty embarassed. But they say you have to brave through it. No shame in asking the kids whether they brought dictionaries. Everyone was eager to lend me theirs.

You know the Chinese saying: "Among three walking people, there will definitely one who can be my teacher." That's direct translation by the way. Yeap, we all learn from each other.  ¶ 17:59

  Today I shall talk about freedom of speech. I shall talk about freedom of blogging, actually. The rights and rights and rights of the blogging, or the owner's blog. No disclaimer should be required before any posts of this kind. I'm not going to do a short rebuttal of what happened on the 29th. Maybe I should give you an insight to what other people may think. Click here. This is a perfect example of a blog-owner's rights. He can say anything he want. Crap about other writers, within his own blog. Crap about the whole damned world, in his own blog.

Just like I can do it in mine.

Oh well.

On a light veiner... not in the mood for light veins yet. I'll think about that in the morning after I've woken up. Maybe its time for me to sleep. That's should let go of some unwanted gas, for now.

Good morning at 2.30 am, BTW.  ¶ 02:30

  How many times I've said it here that this blog is mine and mine alone?

Click here to read this disclaimer. READ ME. I never thought I have to use this here.

See, Siah knows me best. I'm just rambling. I'm not promoting hatred.

If even in here I have to see the 'likes and dislikes' of my readers, I might as well ditch this whole site as a blog and start writing fan-fic... of what I don't know.

This is getting absurd.

Another thing about doctors.. I think Siah knows this also. I know more doctor-wannabes than any of you people (except maybe Siah). You know what's the meaning of ramblings or frustrated venting of anger. If I can't do it here, where else should I do it?

Again.. this is getting absurd.

  ¶ 17:17

  No doctors please. I hate doctors. Bunch of big hyper hypocrites.

Which doctor wannabe would hurt a person's heart at the moment when she's most vulnerable.

Don't even suggest me going to a doctor.

Even if I caught the SARS disease I'd choose to die all alone in my room rather than suffer breakage at the hands of a doctor.

Kill them all. They don't deserve the respect nor recognition.  ¶ 09:16

  Everytime I post a song there must be something terribly wrong with me. Hot chocolate can't make me smile at 2 am in the morning.

Goodbye To Love - Carpenters

I'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die
Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by
And all I know of love is how to live without it
I just can't seem to find it

So I've made my mind up I must live my life alone
And though it's not the easy way
I guess I've always known
I'd say goodbye to love

There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine
Surely time will lose these bitter memories
And I'll find that there is someone to believe in
And to live for something I could live for

All the years of useless search
Have finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty days will be my only friend
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best I can

What lies in the future is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune as it falls
There may come a time when I will see that I've been wrong
But for now this is my song

And it's goodbye to love
I'll say goodbye to love
  ¶ 21:19

  I want to check what I write in here.

I want to check but I don't know... I can't bear to live without this.

Its horrible... a curse... I understand exactly what you say Caleb, you just go on droning in your life into this, spread it all out like its some free show for the world to see, and then kid yourself that the world really cares, which is why this is harmless.

I think its a curse.

In fact, I think this is what caused the downfall.

Maybe I wouldn't be so troubled if I never started blogging. Its a curse. I just started out soooooo happy but withint 4 months everything just crashed down. No rebuilding. No.

You keep saying its okay.

But really you don't understand. The pain.

You keep saying it'll pass. You've been there before. Its alright, no worries.

This... this alone is a curse. It makes things worse.

But I can't bear to live without it.  ¶ 02:29

  Here I am.

I think I've begun to grasp fully the meaning of being misunderstood. It mixes up like a cocktail along with dashes of loneliness, coupled with a little splash of despair and desperation. Shake it up furiously, pour it into a nice pretty glass and call the brew: "Wild Optimism". Someone called me that not too long ago. In fact, I think it was just a month back...

Woohooo, what a way to put it. Wild Optimism.

Let me see, I think I'm going to be a little more unimaginative and then I shall call it, Hopeless Despair, or maybe, Stupidity in Hope. Or whatever.

I'm thinking about the news I just heard from my batch mates. If it were true, that means it'll be double the pain. That is, if I do get to leave the place... I know I'm talking in code here, don't bother if you don't understand, its called 'other-meaning' you see. But wearing the mortar board without having all your love ones being there for you kinda defeats the purpose. I don't wish for the ceremony to be in May. Maybe in October, when I think I've had enough time to heal. But please, no, not in May. I still need time. I'm that greedy. You've got to give it to me.

I hate Don Henley. He made me cry again. Don't listen to his songs. Although they sound nice. The words are awful.

Would it matter if I called him? I'm merely worried. As a friend I care. Its the SARS you see, everybody's worried about each other. I just want to hear that he's okay, just have a very normal conversation with a guy I used to call my best friend even before we started holding hands.

But it would hurt so much if I called and all I got was the quiet hatred behind his annoyed voice.

I need to go get drunk. Or maybe do a Leslie.

You see, Leslie wasn't stupid. He just knew that he couldn't bear to continue living his dreaded existence any longer.

I mean, how long can you last in a masquerade. Sooner or later you just burn out.

It has to stop somewhere.

But here I am.   ¶ 17:42

  I'm there.

Reached the end of the road. Time for me to take either the right turn, or the left turn. No U-turns. At least, I still don't see a U-turn ahead. Wish there was one though, a U-turn. What would I do for that U-turn bend! I'd probably *whooooosh* round the corner, fix some things, do something good for myself. Then maybe I wouldn't be in this deep shit right now.

Ah, speaking of shit. Like I said, I wasn't constipated. Just a little ... mad I guess. When you have too much pressure cooking up inside you would purge sometimes. I just did it literally. Thanks for the advice though. It was strangely... amusing. LOL

I'll probably blog again later in the day when I'm feeling a little more relaxed. I need to switch some worn out DVDs. See you later.

  ¶ 11:57

  Don't laugh

Today
I sat on my toilet bowl
And tried to
You know
I tried to
You know...
But I can't
You know why?

Maybe its the lack of water
You know...
Or maybe
A lack of fibre
Or maybe
A lack of...
I don't know

So I sat on my toilet bowl
And tried to
You know
But I could not
Even though I tried to
So I ended up
You know...
Counting the tiles
Of the bathroom floor

You know
Even then
I still could not
Cannot

Urgh...  ¶ 15:57

  I just received a postcard from one of my best friends. We sat together in class way, way back in form 3 ... that's in 1995. She spoke of her visits to my blog.

Someone also told me that my honesty and openness in this site is admirable. I would say so too to the rising traffic since the shift in domain as well as the layout revamp.

I wrote about this before... how much I should put into this. I wrote about the fear that people would stumble in here and found out things. Actually, I think that its okay for strangers coming in and knowing stuff about me. I actually don't mind letting people know about my sudden display of open pouring in this blog. What is a blog, anyway, if more to satisfy the owner... its not like a popular rated tv-show bursting to reach the 'most popular blog of the year' kind of thing. This blog is mine and mine alone. I can do whatever I like with it.

Nonetheless, its not that I'm brave. Of course I'm fearful of the effects of friends and ex-friends who visit this place regularly to gain an insight into my life. If they care, like my best friend does, its okay. If they're just here to watch a real-life soap opera unveil right before their eyes I'd think they're be very disappointed. You can't really understand blabbering rantings unless you put your heart into it you know.

What's more important is that when you visit a blog that your friend owns, you're supposed to respect his / her privacy. So you know she's been confessional in her open journal, but this doesn't give you the right to go out at speak bad of her. Being confessional is not necessarily a bad thing. It helps me gather my senses, and with the events happening in toil, it helps me pull myself out of denial... which is good.

Plus it increases the value of my singlehood --- so I've been forcefully liberated, so I don't like this, but I know that being single is an asset. At the age of 22 - 23, you deserve nothing less than being attractive and liberal. Not tied down to the heavy machinery they all call relationships.

So this is me. Online. Take it, and then leave it. Don't bring me to your world and bitch about me. Or if you care, write me a mail, letter, give me a call or just leave your comments.

*Oh yeah, for those of you who know about the orchid, it bloomed. 9 pretty flowers. No, I didn't even bother to water the plant... hmmm*


  ¶ 15:43

  Its one of those nights when you think everything is over. And then suddenly you have a sudden fear, and coldness that wells up from within. The calamity is scary.

Was I lying when I sounded alright and optimistic in here?

Don't think so.

I'm such a useless crap. I thought this would make things right. I thought that concentrating on this would work. I thought I had left the deep sea's bottom, I thought I had, how do you put it, swam up to the surface and take a breather. And I thought I was enjoying the pretty sunrise for a while.

Ooh, they didn't tell me that the sun would set.

Now I know that the sun will rise again... but the night seems pretty long you know?

Hell, life, oh life...

Now I'm crapping.

I'm okay, don't worry. Don't worry, don't worry. Just a bit teary, over old memories. Useless ones really. Time to throw them into the wastepaper bin.

Give me time, like I said. At least I lasted cheery for a week this time!
  ¶ 01:43

  Me: my site has turned into a japanese tea house
TheKop: and why's that?
TheKop: green tea galore?
TheKop: i thought it was a virtual tsim tsa tsui
TheKop: hehe
Me: last time it was chinese restaurant syndrome
TheKop: so you're going to wear a kimono and start pouring green tea for us? hehehe
Me: i'm thinking of pizza italia for the next layout
TheKop: why?!
Me: to make my site a permanent food centre
Me: yeah cos the hk design ... i had about 8 ppl telling me 'wah the food looks sooo nice'
Me: now its ' i want to drink green tea'
Me: maybe next time it will be mamma mia gimme some pizza.
TheKop: how about a kebab place?
TheKop: something different
TheKop: go with kebabs!
TheKop: *votes*
Me: u like kebab izzit
TheKop: how did you guess?
TheKop: hehe =)
TheKop: it's really nice
Me: it was a smart guess
TheKop: like a glorified popia

*Hiaks... these chats can get so amusing!*   ¶ 10:57

  Here's a thought.

When you read someone's blog, what do you make of it? Is it the inner self of that soul searcher voicing out his / her very deepest feelings and emotions? Who blogs the thoughts? If that person were a bitch or bastard in real life, does she or he being able to pen down amazingly sensible and angelic phrases show you that (s)he's really capable of being nice? Just that we never really got to know him / her in the first place.

Or is it all faked... that blog is merely an escapism... to de-bitch the bitchiness otherwise ultra-personifed in reality. That person who blogs is really an annoying, hated person in reality, and the blog becomes the sub-reality, a mere lie in efforts to passify yourself "I'm really a nice person, but you have to know me online."

Don't worry. I'm not like that. Although I can be really bitchy to Ah Bengs and Buayas who just don't know when to draw the line *some of you know about this already*.
  ¶ 11:02

  I need to desperately blog something thought provoking. I have provocative thoughts running somewhere in the mind, except they're so jargonized that I can't make out what should I really say. Or this, I have too many things going on in my brain and its giving me a terrible headache.

Maybe its the lack of sleep.

Since working on that long overdue thesis, I've taken to sleeping at 3 am every single night. I tried pushing the time to 1.45 am last night (or this morning?!!) and still I churned and churned around until it was 3.30.

Now what happened?

Working on that thesis until 5 am every single day for 6 days in a row. This was like 3 weeks ago.

Which is why, you see the sudden change in addresses (twice I think, don't worry I'm stuck here for good), as well as in the layout (I think I had 2 layouts in a week)... you might go 'wahlau eh!' but I think this is it for a while.. have to quit torturing myself.

Oh yeah, the best thing bout moving into this domain, is the domain name. I've changed everything to minishorts@urban-flirt,i.e. modified my site info in diarist net, the gmbl as well as rice bowl journals. The traffic amount has been hopping up ever since! Must be the 'urban-flirt' thingy hehe...

Maybe green tea is a little too subdued? Haven't seen many green sites around though... and, hey, if you're using netscape / opera or anything other thing that's not IE, I'm so sorry! This site is so user unfriendly.. for IE 6 only =).... I'll probably change this layout in another month though.

Got a pic today. Self portrait.

  ¶ 20:35

  New design! Links are NOT working yet so please don't click! Ok

Ok already. Now you can click. Please tell me if links are not working!   ¶ 11:02

  It comes to a point when you really have no idea what to blog about.

Of course there are several things occuring in your life in this moment, but, life being life as we know it, can get boring sometimes, but we can't just say "Hey nothing's happening!" There's just no such thing as nothing, because nothing is also something if you think about it.

Just that, sometimes, you don't really know what on earth you're supposed to say to the big wide blogosphere, or the rest of the whole world. You don't want to talk about your life, because it gets drone-y if you go one blabbing about how pathetic you are to the world. Or that people won't really believe you when you say that I'm really happy, because in reality, we all have to get depressed sometimes.

But if you go on being depressed, that ain't gonna get you nowhere.

The point is, I just don't know what to say. Which is probably why you don't understand what the hell I'm crapping about. Don't worry, I don't either.

Maybe tomorrow.   ¶ 12:10

  Hey there...

I know I've been making you guys run around in circles these days. I guess things just ran a little too quick. So much so that I blurred the line between real reality and online reality. *Sigh*. But here I am, parked for a definite long time I guess, until maybe I decided to buy my own domain ... *zip* ... did I say buy? I'll think about that when I've got the hang of cool designing.

While you're at it, you really should check out the nice people who've decided to host me! Of course, the design there is amazing! I think I've still got loads to catch up on. In the meantime, I'll work on polishing my photoshop skills. Sigh..... I wonder whether I will ever be in that category of elitist graphic designs.

A toast to a new beginning! Finally.

Now, on with life.   ¶ 17:03

  Geeeeee... if there is one person I have to bow down and kow tow to at this moment it has to be Marvin. You're such a darling lah!! Thanx for teaching this dungu how to FTP to web1000, althought web1000 sucks... anyway I'm seeking some really nice hosts now, so crossing my fingers that I will be able to move away from that ugly place forever and ever!! And well... if anybody pops in here and want to host me - pretty please thank you!

A bit bodoh right? - That sounded like a personal ad haha.   ¶ 01:16

  Dum dee dum ... I've added a script to the site, so the banners will show up on random. Obviously all of them are my first time digital photography attempts in that SARS infected island... hehe... this site is beginning to suggest I was born in HK or something... LOL.

You must notice I'm sounding rather cheerful in these recent posts.

I told you that this would help.   ¶ 19:02

  Alrighty, I'm on my own now, broke free from Blogspot... the webby is http://minishorts.verydirtylaundry.com/ ... I hope this lasts though, cos my host seems to be pretty lacking in bandwidth.. all the same, its a fresher!

Here's to a fresh, clean, new beginning (that's the meaning of the white background and grey / black lines). Some of you are puzzled at the reason for the policeman photo....actually its because I took the pic myself and it looks pretty professional, that's all. Oh yeah, and his number plate is 5354. In Hongkie slang ... go figure.

  ¶ 01:55

  Alright, finally done it. The splash banner is now 48kb and should take about 18secs to load on a 28.8 k connection, which is not that bad I suppose.

I'm thinking of moving my blog over to my own server, but I don't know how to shift the archive files. Aih.. in the meantime blogspot should work for a while until I figure out what to do or source for some friendly help.   ¶ 16:38

  Okay. Here you see the spanking new layout. Its much, much simpler than version 2 of course. I kinda got sick of the dark lines of version 2 which is why, the stark contrast you see here. Also, version 2 was overkill, in the sense that it somehow got too complex and messy, which is why... well...

Some of you may have problems loading the splash banner above, because of its size of course. I wonder what I can do about it? Maybe you can try right clicking and 'show picture' several times until it listens to you... or until i figure out what to do with this problem =)

Ah, it feels so much better to turn over a new leaf!! Seems like I'm really moving on eh? Perhaps that's why I revamped the site. Hope you guys like this one, cos its going to stay for some time!   ¶ 01:25

  Doing something to change the looks. Not everything works yet so don't be disappointed if you get unfinished / incomplete returns. Will work on it when I get back. Ciaoz!   ¶ 18:50

 




What month should you have been born in?

this quiz was made by Erin


But this can't be! I'm thoroughly, thoroughly an October baby and am soooooo proud of it, even the jealousy that comes along...

Or maybe I do brood on the past too much! =(   ¶ 13:53

 

I told you I've got an addiction over cutesy stuff. This doggie here was purchased over in HK for a mere HKD 5, pretty cool eh? Plus it has a sweet rose scent to it.

I've put my mood as vulnerable there today, which I think is a sweet change from all the depressed stuff that has been recurring in my posts all this while. Actually I wonder if I'm over it. Just that, certain things happening has prolly helped me overcome a huge chunk of my problems and right now I'm feeling really vulnerable... in the sense that I'm getting scared that I won't be able to find another boyfriend!!!!! aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh pretty freaky I know, even if I still stand by my philosophy which is, I don't have to look around, 'HE' will come to me, if its meant to be, whoever it is...I'm still worried that that's not going to happen, because of my age ...being 23 (haha the way I'm ranting on you'd prolly think I'm 33 instead), I'm suddenly afraid of being single! EEeeeeeeeeeeeeek! I'm just ignoring the fact that 80% of my friends aren't attached yet, I know, but I'm kinda afraid that by this time 3 years from now I'm not attached yet and I see all my friends lining up to the registrar (okay now I'm bordering on desperation).

It actually doesn't help when you see the lines and crow's feet appearing around your eyes. Maybe I ought to sleep earlier and ditch my habit of sneaking into bed at 3 am daily. Or cuss that stupid thesis which has helped made my biological clock function irregularly.

Whatever...

  ¶ 23:40

  I guess I just am a sucker for cute stuff... especially since they take my mind off horrible thoughts right now... eeeeeeeeeks !! I love mashi maro... did i tell you I have a maro hanging by the side of my schooling bag? Unfortunately he's a little dirty, well... when I've cleaned him up and nice, I'll probably show him off here too... but for now, you'll just have to settle with a close up of Maro on his little furry sofa ...

  ¶ 19:38

  Here's what I bought as my little gift to cheer myself up today!! Its sitting on my Wira's dashboard now! :)

  ¶ 23:46

  You know you're such a crappy and useless piece of shit when you move into this phase. You know, when everything falls upon you and you suffocate from the pressure and the pain and you think that the easiest way out is the happiest way out. You know how undeserving and unworthy you are of your friends' (and strangers') genuine concern and care, because you can't kick sense into an otherwise premotivated self-awareness which was ... admirably 'matured' before. You sit down, dejected, depressed because suddenly that mask that you put on for the whole world to see, has cracked, broken into several pieces and you can't find the energy to build yourself another mask.

You admit you're a loser because in spite of the efforts that people take to tell you, "Things will be okay, will be okay. You just need time, that's all. You deserve happiness, that's why. Everything happens for a reason... yada yada... yada yada..." you can't move on. You just slacken in the moody entrails of horrible, disgusting and hateful memories, memories which used to masquerade in that joyful parade, on show for three whole years.

It all crashes around you and suddenly, that strong spirited you is gone, taken over by that low, dirt-low self esteem, so low that you can't find the strength to stand up again.

Its crap. I don't want this. I stood up but I keep falling down. I don't think. Never. Its just like this.

Leave me alone.
  ¶ 15:37

  Maybe I'm just a casualty in his plans for ideal happiness. A lab rat in his experiments to learn and gain experience on how to hold a girl's hand the correct way, how to kiss, how to hug and how to whisper sweet little nothings like "I love you" and "Here, love,' over and over again.

Maybe I was the unfortunate person who happened to fall into the trap, a passerby who took his pick up lines for real and walked with him blindly, blindly for three whole years.

Maybe he never was happy in this relationship and that's why he dropped me the way he did...

Maybe all the caring things he did for me were contrived and he actually suffered in his smiles.

Maybe I never made him happy, but he did, and that's the wonder of it.

Maybe all the smiles in the photos we took were fakes, and so were the smiles that we flashed for our friends to see.

Maybe all along I've been living a lie.  ¶ 23:09

  I don't know what's gotten into me... but here's another song:

The End of the World

Why does the sun go on shining
Why does the sea rush to shore
Don't they know it's the end of the world
'Cause you don't love me any more

Why do the birds go on singing
Why do the stars glow above
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when I lost your love

I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does

Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye

Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye

-Skeeter Davis-   ¶ 00:37

  I've begun to think of life as a bit of a joke. Now that I'm technically 23, and quickly approaching quarter of a century of existence in this world. I wonder how long do I have left, and I think its strange that when you tell people you're 23, they'll say, "That's great! You've young and at the peak of your life!"

I think, "Uhuh, and this peak will just zoom past you, by the time it's long gone, you're probably wheezing and coughing at the age of 75 and you'll wonder about what had happened when you were still young!"

Like for instance, now, isn't it natural for me to look back on those years (however few they were really) and say, "Hello, what happened?"

They just speed past you and when the wind has done its job, all that remains are dust and scattered remnants of what could have been.

Crap. Now that life is a joke in this sense, why should I be so worrisome and sorrowful. He'll probably be thinking about the very same thing, or at least, he had thought of it before. The point is, there's really nothing for me to regret because the decision was his, not mine. If there should be any regrets, its only his.

And me? Oh well, like I've told many of you, I shall go on. No harm in it... since there's nothing better for me to do.   ¶ 20:19

  Well, well, things are alright now. And I have no idea what to say. So post an old pic lah...

  ¶ 01:40

  Dunno what's wrong , but the spacing problem can't seemed to be fixed. I've tried adjusting it several times but the blogger body keeps coming out like this... everything's so tightly spaced that my lines are almost overlapping... URGH....   ¶ 22:56

  Trust me folks, the following template is temporary until I manage to redeem my template! No new designs though... just that the template got sticky and I can't seem to do anything about it. If you really need to comment..here's the link: .

  ¶ 14:59

  Urgh.. I messed up my blog I know... sorry for those who came in here and saw the recurring tarepandas. Honestly, I got nightmares myself!!   ¶ 13:33

  ×òÍí¿ªÊ¼»³ÒÉ×Ô¼º¡£You know the stages, as Daryan puts it, denial, blame, anger, awareness of reality, sadness, peace in acceptance.

×òÍí×ßÈë³ÐÈÏÊÂʵµÄ½×¶ÎÁË¡£The awareness of reality has kicked in. And so the tears flowed, freely, again.

Actually, since it happened I've never stopped shedding tears. Not one day has passed without at least a drop rolling down my cheeks. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with my tear ducts, leaking like that. No wonder he used to call me a faulty water tap.

²»ÊÇÎÒ²»ÒªÈ¥Ñ§Ï°Íü¼Ç£¬Ö»ÊÇѧÀ´Ñ§È¥»¹ÊÇѧ²»À´¡£Do you get it? I do try. All the time. Some people tell me its because I keep telling myself that I still love him, thats why I can't forget. But its not that. Just because I write all about it in this blog, doesn't mean that in reality I don't try. You should see my room now, my wallets, the stuff I've put aside, the photos I've hidden in far away places, out of reach, so that I will not remember the memories. ÎÒÕæµÄÓÐȥѧϰ¡£But no matter how I try or force my self to put it aside, the dreams and images keep coming back. I've resorted to forcing myself to listen to some really depressing songs, just to sit it out and let it go.... but the dreams, they keep recurring.

I hate it when things like this happen. Urgh!!! It just defeats the purpose of living, when you keep remembering things you'd rather forget.

  ¶ 10:12

  My Immortal
my immortal
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

-Evanescence Fallen-


  ¶ 15:00

  Hello!! Well, as you can see the past post was in Mandarin (but some of you may not be able to encode the fonts if your window's not configured for it)... Don't fret, btw, because it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to switch to Mandarin anytime now, just that, some words are better expressed in other languages (as fair as domains and topics would go in sociolinguistic studies), which is why, well, I guess you'd understand how excited I am that I'm finally able to post properly in Mandarin. The other reason for the inclusion of a little bilingualism into this blog is... uhuh... being an English major, my written Mandarin has been left aside to rust ever since I graduated from form 5, so I decided its high time I polished up on it before it extinguishes.

Oh yeah, I stumbled upon this amazingly hilarious blog... because its so bloody boring the creaters have termed it 'The Dullest Blog In The World'!! Check it out, will yah?

Just for kicks... photo of the day ... is a menu which has my nick name printed on it!!!!! LOL!!! Couldn't help choking at the site of it, I mean, how'd you feel have two whole chicken dishes named after you? Urgh...



Speaking of which, I think I've recycled too many of my Visit To Hong Kong photos already. Maybe its time I went out hunting for more stuff yah?

Gee! I actually sound happy in this entry?!!! Cool!! :)

  ¶ 19:54

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  ¶ 01:27

  I'm worried sick that the people I love the most are this vulnerable right now.

One's my dad in Hong Kong. Yeah. Actually I was supposed to go to Yunnan on Monday for a 10 day holiday after my thesis work. Instead, and of course, that trip has been post phoned indefinitely. And dad can't come home yet, of course he's working. I wonder how he is. He says the roads are practically empty and several eateries have closed their doors for fear of the spread. They have guys wearing those insulation suits around the place and its really freaky. But life still has to go on, so he still puts on his mask and climbs up the tram everyday to get to his office.

The other person I'm worried about is you-know-who lah. I sent him a message last night, telling him to take care, since it is medical practitioners are most at risk, some more medical students do go into those wards almost everyday for their studies and practice. Well, the smart fella, as expected, didn't respond even. Even though I knew that would be the probable response, I'm still disappointed and sad. What harm is it to just tell me 'all right, you take care too'? Especially since there's no more feelings for me, might as well be sporting about it and message me in return as a friend would do, right? Right now I'm virtually non-existent in his dictionary of life, I think. Anyway if he does read this, or any of his friends out there, you guys if you pop into this, just please tell him to take care alright?

With the war and SARS, I just don't know what's wrong with 2003. *sigh*

  ¶ 20:39

  How do you stop the tears from falling everytime you listen to a sad song?

How do you stop your heart from aching everytime you wake up from the dreams filled with images of what has been or what could have been?

How do you live?

How do you survive?

Or how does the days pass in these times?

Did you know that SARS is coming? Please take good care of yourself. Where you are now, it makes me worried. But I don't have a right to be, right? Anyway its okay. I'll take care of myself too. Nothing will happen. I promise. I lit a candle for us, you know? That's why my faith burns on stronger. If the candle burns out, its so simple, I'll just light another one.

There is always tomorrow.   ¶ 00:13

 

I think its time to do this.

The world is in chaos you know... it started off global, and then it hit my heart, and now one of my favourite actors has just jumped off a building. If you can understand and read Chinese, right now this is the site to go to.

So why don't we all light a candle for peace, globally, in our own hearts, for Leslie and his family and fans. I'd light this candle for myself as well, a light in the darkness, signifying my faith, beliefs and hopes.

You know, despite what many people say, hope is never a bad thing.
  ¶ 23:38

 

Sometimes life can be one big stage show, and the director, being God, seems to direct his players around without them really realising that they're being directed to do this, and this, that, and that; regardless of how much we think fate and destiny lies in our hands. Literally, perhaps, the two do lie in our hands, in the lines of fate and destiny that wrinkle the surfaces of both our palms.

We make mistakes, and we bump into people that we least expect to bump. We hold conversations with them and from them, you resource a bundle of information; not necessary information you're wanting to hear, but information all the same. And knowledge, is gold, regardless of whether you want it or not, whether you like it or not.

Anyway, I bumped into this person, unexpectedly because of what I did unknowingly before. The emotions I felt were unpleasant at first, now its a bundle of mixed confusion and relief. Its like in a Chinese opera show, you know? The players wear thick make up to hide our true faces from the audience, but as you go on performing, the audience gets to know you anyway, and you become more and more famous, whether you like it or not. That's the feeling after the conversation with the fella for some time about issues that we both were, in some way, knowledgeable about. Our little chat got cut off because the electricity died out on my and I decided to switch off my comp (my comp has a external batt pack that allows it to run for 15 minutes more in the event of a black out). So far, I still haven't decided whether the black out was a good thing, or a bad thing.

I wonder what's going on in this person's mind now. What are the effects, nuclear effects, if you may, of that long chat I had with him? What's going to happen after this? Is he trustable? Or not? Or what was the purpose of God making us bump into each other in that way?

Oh boy. Life. All the world's a stage, and all the men and women, merely Players. Shakespeare did say that we have seven acts each, so which one am I in now? Huh? Darn!

  ¶ 07:58