It's Happening Again
Isn't it?
I told myself that it won't, at least I promise that I will try not to make it happen... but here I am, falling into that very same trap again. Maybe you know already, that it's just what I am, by nature, I'm terribly clingy... when I found a nice wall to lean against, I just can't leave it as it is, I have to leave my paw prints all over it, scratch it sometimes, and hug and press myself against it over and over again.
Ideally, walls that you lean against stay stationary; they don't run away, they don't get angry at you. But in my reality, the walls often find me too hot to handle. Of course, initially, I'm terribly exciting to be with,
hey, she's your wildest dream come true, surely you would have known it by now. But my walls are alive, and they have feelings too, and they can't handle hot, burning tongs. When I burn a wall too much, there are marks, and the wall looks ugly. If I hit against the wall too hard, the wall cannot take the pressure, and you know what happens?
It falls down. It crumbles.
And suddenly, she's standing again, the wind strongly heaving against her, no wall to protect her. The storm and the lightning threatening their blows at her, no wall to hide behind.
I've been stranded in an unwanted storm before, when the strong walls I built around me suddenly decided to cave in all around me. That pain was intolerable, and I don't want that to happen again. I keep telling myself, I know I built the wall, I know I pulled the wall down, and I know the mechanics of how you can pull a wall down, how you can make the wall stronger. I don't want my new wall to crumble around me, I want to make it strong, and tall, protective, and reliable... so that I can run to lean against it when I need support...
I just cannot bear to see my walls falling around me again.
But somehow, somehow, I have that feeling that, that thing, that thing, is really, quite inevitable. Because like what they all say, 'That's expected of you.'
