Lost in Myself
My site was down for 1 1/2 days.
While that happened, I was diagnosed with having
low blood pressure. I was blurring my way through the masses that hit the road at mid-noon, and when I arrived home, the bed just didn't look like a bed... it looked like heaven to me. By the time I woke up, it was already 5 pm, and Mum thought I had died in my sleep.
Right now, my BP's at 94, the doctor says that I need to push it higher. I still have this severe distaste for people who pretend to be who they are not. And then I like to think that I can sniff out these people through their writing.
I'm not forgiving, nor am I kind to you. You know who because you wrote a whole post on it. You know who because you wrote me an e-mail and then ... yadda yadda ... I don't want to pretend to patronize you because I'm not your every day, 'oh let's just pretend to be nice' chick. Because most of the time I don't feel like being nice, and if I pretend to be nice, it sucks shit and I hate sucking shit. Its gross and disgusting and it makes me sick.
By now I'd understand why they're all going to label her a hypocrite, because heck, she herself, is always, always pretending to be who she is not.
That's probably why you didn't like that past post? Well, hun, I loved it to bits because it
is who I am. You see, in real life, usually I'm not being me. And I'm so good at not being me that I don't even know that I'm not being me.
Well maybe, that's true. I told
Daryan with a great big sigh that I'm sick of putting on different masks everytime I talk to different people. I'm sick of being all traditional when I talk to my mother, I'm sick of being this educated, in-the-academia book-ish nerd when I face my authors and the tonnes of work I have to look at (I mean tonnes, after a 2-day MC it doesn't look like work is going to get done very soon). I'm sick of being the local-uni educated chick who behaves like a local-uni educated chick from a Chinese education background when I talk to my local-uni friends, I'm sick of being the BRAT you all know from the 1997 heydays. I'm sick of being very CHS-y when I talk to my friends in CHS and I'm sick of being jumpy and hyper whenever the need calls for me to be jumpy and hyper. I'm sick of it all because times like this, I forget who am I and I get all lost and depressed. I sighed and asked him who is the
me that he loves, and he told me it's the 'real you'.
I asked him, 'Who am I? Who is the real me?'
He told me the real me is the person who sounds like Minishorts.
I'm still digesting that thought.
'You're you when you start to sound like Minishorts in the flesh.' Or something to that effect. When I speak in real life, when I sound exactly like Minishorts, that's ME, spanking clear, crystal loud.
That's probably why the day I was diagnosed with having low BP, my site had to be down too. Talk about freaky coincidence, how many people you know actually has her bodily physical health tied to the physical health of her website?
